Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Beauty in Losing Control

So this is something that I have been mulling over in my head for months, and I feel the need to compose my thoughts on "paper." I know I am not the only one that often wonders what my purpose on this earth is and what I believe the Lord wants to teach me in this life. Everyone does this, and if you are like me, you might even stay awake for hours in bed thinking about this. Beginning my freshman year of high school, I began planning what I wanted my life to look like for the next 10 or so years. Sounds silly, but this is me. I met Jarrett at 15 and after dating for only a short while, I had no doubt that he had to be Incorporated into my "life plan." I studied hard in school, maintained over a 4.0 gpa, got into all the colleges I applied to, and decided on majoring in Microbiology at Cal Poly. This was my plan.

August of 2006, Jarrett came to me and asked what I would think about him joining the military. In my head I was screaming "No! This wasn't in the plan!" But in my heart, I felt very strongly that the Lord wanted to use Jarrett in this way. I supported Jarrett with everything in me and was so proud, and still am, to see the things that Jarrett has done. But what about my plan. Jarrett left for 8 months and in those 8 months I experienced incredible confusion, sadness, and questioned God daily about how He wanted to use me. I considered transferring to a couple different schools, considered becoming a missionary, considered going to a Bible school in Europe, attempted to change my major 2 different times, all in my first year of college! It sounds silly and ridiculous now, but at the time, I was desperate to feel like what I was doing was what God wanted me to do. In an instant, the plan that I had built up for years no longer felt right.

I realized that I didn't want to experience life without Jarrett. I wanted to be successful and do amazing things, but I wanted Jarrett right alongside me. We got engaged in May 2007 and I began planning the wedding of our dreams.
I booked the venue, bought my dress, bought the bridesmaids dresses, ordered the flowers, got the photographer, dj, and caterer. And then Jarrett called with the news that he was deploying a few days before we were scheduled to get married. We canceled everything and got married 3 weeks later. We moved to Travis and enjoyed being newlyweds while at the same time preparing for his deployment. I planned to move home and finish my 2nd year at Cal Poly. And then we found out they had canceled his deployment. This was great news, but a piece of me was angry because this wasn't the plan!
Forward to February of this year. I had just started school at UC Davis. We received news that Jarrett would be deploying in June. I began preparing for the deployment, figuring out what I was going to do over the summer. Would I move home? Would i stay up here and take classes? And then to my surprise, which by now I guess I shouldn't be surprised, Jarrett came home to tell me that we received orders to Guam. Once again I was angry because what about my plan? What would I do about school? What would I do about the wedding I was supposed to be in? What about the trip I was supposed to take to see a friend this summer?

And this is where I sit down and realize that I am beginning to see a pattern. I am a planner, a worrier, and a control freak to the max. And I realize that I leave little or almost no room for God's input. I see my life and how I want it to be or how I think it should be and it's hard for me to let that go and put it into our Lord's hands. God is continually crumpling up my to do list and shouting in his megaphone "I'm in control, just trust me!" I believe that this is the lesson that God really wants to teach me in this season of my life. The art of letting go, releasing my tightly clenched hands that hold so tightly to my plan. Sometimes I act like a two year old and scream "But I don't want to share!" But repeatedly the Lord whispers "Just trust me."
And so I've wiped my to-do list clean. I don't know where I'm going to go to school, don't know what I'm going to do in Guam, don't know where we are going to live, etc. Basically, all the things I would have tried to plan months ago. I know the Lord will show me His plan for me and for me and Jarrett in His perfect time and until then, I am going to sit back and enjoy this exciting time in my life without worrying about what the next step will be or should be.


Mama Mote said...

I LOVE your title to this post - The Beauty in Losing Control. I know what you mean, and I started learning these things back when I was in my 20s. I was going to move to Oregon to work at Multnomah School of the Bible. Dan and I were dating and we felt we were going to get married, but now I was leaving. Then all of a sudden I got a call saying my job was cut to a part-time job. I knew I couldn't live on a part-time job, so I canceled my trip. The rest is history, but even now it's hard to listen to God, especially when you don't want to leave friends and family and, for me, my childhood home and the best job I could have. But we did move and it's a new adventure and I'm actually enjoying it - the time off I've had from working, fixing up our little house to be our new home. Still looking for a church and after our trip to Oregon to see our daughter, I will buckle down and see what kind of job God has in store for me. Excited, scared, but anticipating great things from Him.

Irish Girl said...

Kate! I was so excited to see you had updated your blog!
You are so wise beyond your years! I definitely know how you feel, I definitely didn't think I would be in Texas... and I definitely didn't think that I wouldn't be teaching a year and a half after I finished my Teaching Credential....I've been frustrated lately too... thanks for the reminder of leaving room for God's plan.
I'll be home from June 9-24, if you are in SLO (don't know when you are leaving) let me know! I'd love to see you!

Natalie Goffinet said...

Guam! Wow Kate, that is awesome! Not everyone gets a chance to live there! I don't know what it's like but I know that God does has amazing plans for you and jarrett! I was so glad you commented on my page...i wouldn't have known that you started blogging again! Well this will be fun! My life with Paul is going really well. We have been here in WA since January, but we just got orders saying that we are staying her for the rest of our lives, haha! No its because with paul's job this is really the only base we could be stationed! But its been really nice because I've made some good friedns and we found a great church!

Natalie Goffinet said...
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