Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Beauty in Losing Control

So this is something that I have been mulling over in my head for months, and I feel the need to compose my thoughts on "paper." I know I am not the only one that often wonders what my purpose on this earth is and what I believe the Lord wants to teach me in this life. Everyone does this, and if you are like me, you might even stay awake for hours in bed thinking about this. Beginning my freshman year of high school, I began planning what I wanted my life to look like for the next 10 or so years. Sounds silly, but this is me. I met Jarrett at 15 and after dating for only a short while, I had no doubt that he had to be Incorporated into my "life plan." I studied hard in school, maintained over a 4.0 gpa, got into all the colleges I applied to, and decided on majoring in Microbiology at Cal Poly. This was my plan.

August of 2006, Jarrett came to me and asked what I would think about him joining the military. In my head I was screaming "No! This wasn't in the plan!" But in my heart, I felt very strongly that the Lord wanted to use Jarrett in this way. I supported Jarrett with everything in me and was so proud, and still am, to see the things that Jarrett has done. But what about my plan. Jarrett left for 8 months and in those 8 months I experienced incredible confusion, sadness, and questioned God daily about how He wanted to use me. I considered transferring to a couple different schools, considered becoming a missionary, considered going to a Bible school in Europe, attempted to change my major 2 different times, all in my first year of college! It sounds silly and ridiculous now, but at the time, I was desperate to feel like what I was doing was what God wanted me to do. In an instant, the plan that I had built up for years no longer felt right.

I realized that I didn't want to experience life without Jarrett. I wanted to be successful and do amazing things, but I wanted Jarrett right alongside me. We got engaged in May 2007 and I began planning the wedding of our dreams.
I booked the venue, bought my dress, bought the bridesmaids dresses, ordered the flowers, got the photographer, dj, and caterer. And then Jarrett called with the news that he was deploying a few days before we were scheduled to get married. We canceled everything and got married 3 weeks later. We moved to Travis and enjoyed being newlyweds while at the same time preparing for his deployment. I planned to move home and finish my 2nd year at Cal Poly. And then we found out they had canceled his deployment. This was great news, but a piece of me was angry because this wasn't the plan!
Forward to February of this year. I had just started school at UC Davis. We received news that Jarrett would be deploying in June. I began preparing for the deployment, figuring out what I was going to do over the summer. Would I move home? Would i stay up here and take classes? And then to my surprise, which by now I guess I shouldn't be surprised, Jarrett came home to tell me that we received orders to Guam. Once again I was angry because what about my plan? What would I do about school? What would I do about the wedding I was supposed to be in? What about the trip I was supposed to take to see a friend this summer?

And this is where I sit down and realize that I am beginning to see a pattern. I am a planner, a worrier, and a control freak to the max. And I realize that I leave little or almost no room for God's input. I see my life and how I want it to be or how I think it should be and it's hard for me to let that go and put it into our Lord's hands. God is continually crumpling up my to do list and shouting in his megaphone "I'm in control, just trust me!" I believe that this is the lesson that God really wants to teach me in this season of my life. The art of letting go, releasing my tightly clenched hands that hold so tightly to my plan. Sometimes I act like a two year old and scream "But I don't want to share!" But repeatedly the Lord whispers "Just trust me."
And so I've wiped my to-do list clean. I don't know where I'm going to go to school, don't know what I'm going to do in Guam, don't know where we are going to live, etc. Basically, all the things I would have tried to plan months ago. I know the Lord will show me His plan for me and for me and Jarrett in His perfect time and until then, I am going to sit back and enjoy this exciting time in my life without worrying about what the next step will be or should be.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Back on the blog train!

Well as you might have noticed, I haven't blogged in well over a year. There is no good reason as to why I stopped blogging other than I just simply lost interest. But I have decided to restart my blog because of some exciting adventures that me and Jarrett are about to embark on. No, I'm not pregnant. I feel this is a great tool to keep friends and family updated, and so here I am!

Back in February, Jarrett had just gotten home from a three week TDY in Mississippi. Once his TDY was over, we began planning for his deployment that was scheduled for June. You would think by now that I would learn that planning of any sort should never be in the same category as the military. I walked through the door after a long day of school and was slightly confused when Jarrett told me to sit down; he had something to tell me. He then preceded to spit out the news that we received orders to Guam. "Guam? By the way, where the heck is Guam?" I answered. For some reason, I always thought Guam was in the Caribean. I was slightly shocked when I learned it was actually south of Japan or north of Australia, however you want to view it. So now, instead of preparing for his deployment, we are preparing for the trek to the little 30 mile long island of Guam.

Now that the shock has subsided, Jarrett and I are excited for the this new adventure...although it is taking me a little longer to get used to the idea. I am sad to leave all the wonderful friends I have made and the university that I have settled in to. I am sad to leave my family, and the beautiful little town of San Luis Obispo. But life is about adventure, and moving to Guam is certainly going to be an adventure if I ever saw one. So please pray us as we prepare and actually make the move in August.

And since all blogs are better with pictures... here is my spoiled baby.