This week I have been bombarded with so many mixed emotions. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel. Am I supposed to not feel sad because that could be mistaken for being regretful? I feel jealous, envious, sad, left out. I don't want to feel that way. So I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, talking it out with my husband. This week I have had to really face the fact that I'm not graduating college with the rest of my fellow class of 2006ers. The past few weeks when I have logged into my facebook account, and I'm sure it will be like this for the next few weeks, my heart hurts a little as I scroll through pictures of friends with their diplomas in hand. The words "One class to go!" or "Finished with college!" written repeatedly in numerous status boxes. I can't help but think "but that's supposed to be me too!"
But before I begin to sound like Debbie Downer, I have worked my thoughts out and this it what I think. I've never been one to follow the crowd and my life is certainly a testimony to that. I didn't think twice about deciding to get married when I was only just beginning my second year of college. Not once did I really consider waiting until after I graduated. That just wasn't really one of the options I would consider. I'm not sure why. Not once did I ever think maybe those people are right. The ones that told me I was seriously setting myself up for disaster by deciding to marry at the ripe age of 19. I just didn't think about those things. I just did. Did what I felt God was leading me to do. And it felt right. It still does.
But that single most defining decision I've made in my life certainly hasn't come without its share of struggles. School being one of the top ones. Four colleges later and I'm still not close to being done. Sometimes I feel like my wheels are just spinning. When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel? This journey to complete my degree may not seem like that big of a deal to some but it has become a huge deal to me because it is something that I have had to work tirelessly at to obtain. And so it has become that much more important to me. Maybe even verging on the side of obsessive. And I know I will appreciate that little piece of paper so much more when I finally get to hold it in my hands.
In the meantime, my educational journey has consisted more of experiences rather than textbooks. Finding my way around a confusing foreign land rather than sitting in a classroom. Learning what it really means to have no control over my life. This journey has really taught me more than any textbook, professor, or lab could ever teach me. So while I may feel sad for the time being, I feel more thankful than anything. Thankful that God has chosen me for this journey. And thankful that God placed Jarrett in my life so early on so that we could enjoy this journey together.