This week I have been bombarded with so many mixed emotions. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel. Am I supposed to not feel sad because that could be mistaken for being regretful? I feel jealous, envious, sad, left out. I don't want to feel that way. So I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, talking it out with my husband. This week I have had to really face the fact that I'm not graduating college with the rest of my fellow class of 2006ers. The past few weeks when I have logged into my facebook account, and I'm sure it will be like this for the next few weeks, my heart hurts a little as I scroll through pictures of friends with their diplomas in hand. The words "One class to go!" or "Finished with college!" written repeatedly in numerous status boxes. I can't help but think "but that's supposed to be me too!"
But before I begin to sound like Debbie Downer, I have worked my thoughts out and this it what I think. I've never been one to follow the crowd and my life is certainly a testimony to that. I didn't think twice about deciding to get married when I was only just beginning my second year of college. Not once did I really consider waiting until after I graduated. That just wasn't really one of the options I would consider. I'm not sure why. Not once did I ever think maybe those people are right. The ones that told me I was seriously setting myself up for disaster by deciding to marry at the ripe age of 19. I just didn't think about those things. I just did. Did what I felt God was leading me to do. And it felt right. It still does.
But that single most defining decision I've made in my life certainly hasn't come without its share of struggles. School being one of the top ones. Four colleges later and I'm still not close to being done. Sometimes I feel like my wheels are just spinning. When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel? This journey to complete my degree may not seem like that big of a deal to some but it has become a huge deal to me because it is something that I have had to work tirelessly at to obtain. And so it has become that much more important to me. Maybe even verging on the side of obsessive. And I know I will appreciate that little piece of paper so much more when I finally get to hold it in my hands.
In the meantime, my educational journey has consisted more of experiences rather than textbooks. Finding my way around a confusing foreign land rather than sitting in a classroom. Learning what it really means to have no control over my life. This journey has really taught me more than any textbook, professor, or lab could ever teach me. So while I may feel sad for the time being, I feel more thankful than anything. Thankful that God has chosen me for this journey. And thankful that God placed Jarrett in my life so early on so that we could enjoy this journey together.
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4 comments:
Kate,
You are a strong and determined person and I have no doubt that you will accomplish anything you set your mind to - you have always been that way since you were a little girl and those things never change!! Keep working and you will have that degree in your hands very soon!
I'm so sorry about Olive - I didn't read the previous post and didn't know about her until Amy told me. God bless.......she will be missed I know.
Oh kate...I know how you feel! Im a year behind and all my friends will be done next year and i still have a good two years to go! Just remember kate that as christians we need to keep an eternal perspective. We tend to get caught up in the world and all the goals we need to meet, but remember the most important goal is to serve the lord and make sure that if we do have goals in life that they do not take precedent to serving the lord. Keep up the good work kate! I'll be praying for you!
Thank you for your wonderful comment on Go4Pro. I to got married at 19, it retrospect I can't believe I didn't even see the warning bells that all my friends and most of my fam were trying to sound off to me. I was oblivious to it all because something deep inside me knew I was doing exactly what I should be! We are almost at 10 years now and with out a doubt that was the smartest decision of my life! I have sacrificed allot but like you said, I know God has a plan for me. And just look, now I get to be the Go4Pro gal - lol.
Any who, thanks for the comment, keep soaking all you can up and great couple shots (post before)!
Hi Kate... We've never met so I feel a little funny leaving this comment. I have no clue how I came onto your blog, but we have mutual friends because I went to SLO high. I ended up reading this post and was so encouraged and blessed by it tonight. I just want to thank you for being so real and vulnerable! I'm twenty, in the midst of being a college student, living with great girls, and involved in Campus Crusade, serving on leadership... that whole bit. Seems idealistic. But it can be so challenging/scary, and I feel like I go through so many emotional roller coasters. I watch friends around me getting married, and as pathetic as this is sometimes I think, "Well... their lives seem perfect! Once I'm married everything will fall into place." So unrealistic! Every stage has it's ups and downs, but so cool that you're giving thanks and praise to the Lord for where he has you now, and what he has brought you through. Thanks for sharing and for the sweet reminder to fix my eyes not on my desires and pursuits but the Lords! Keep writing :)
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